The Scheme
by Godess The Hyper Fangirl
Summary: When the great Harry Potter becomes part of a scandal, he decides there is only one thing to do - create a bigger one. WARNING! THIS FIC IS LIKE CRACK ON CRACK ON STERIODS. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.


**Title: **The Scheme

**Series: **Harry Potter

**Writers: **Godess The Hyper Fangirl and NotAnotherFangirl

A collaborative effort between myself and NotAnotherFangirl during class when we were bored and had nothing to do. Also, if run ons bother you, don't continue. The challenge was we could only write one sentence at a time(for most of it, anyways). We were actually surprised that it followed some sort of plot.

Read at your own risk.

* * *

It was a normal day in the Great Hall as the room filled with the usual lunch-time buzz. Wizards and Witches chatted casually about the upcoming Wonderful Wizard Extravaganza Dance. Upon their section of the table, Hermoine had magazines strewn about, consulting Harry about which dress robes she should wear, while Ron stuffed his face. Truth was, Ron had been paying attention, but had what all young Wizard boys had on their minds as they gazed upon young witches. Beneath the table he shifted uncomfortably, attempting to hide his tend, but Ginny's sharp eye caught it.

"Ron! What are you hiding in your trousers? Do you plan on sneaking food into class again?" she scolded him, going to take the 'food' she assumed was there. Her hand froze as she clutched Ron's rock-hard johnson, her eyes going wide and her moth agape in horror. The two simply sat there, staring at each other, Ron frozen in the act of biting into his food.

"What's wrong?" Harry and Herione asked simultaneously, while Ginny's face blazed red and Ron's willy grew impeccably harder.

"Ron's standing at attention!" Ginny shrieked, letting go and jumping from the table. Ginny panted in disgust, Harry looked appalled, Ron's ears flamed redder than his hair and Hermione's eyes gleamed.

"We must not let this go to waste!" she cried.

"W-What?" cried nearly everyone who knew what was going on, and Ron began to choke on his food in shock. Ron spluttered as his wind pipe shrunk and Hermione climbed over the table with a greedy look on her face. Ron's face began to turn blue.

Harry was not going to have any of this, he cl8imbed over to grab Hermione but lost his balance and fell straight into Ron's treasure box. The force with which Harry landed on Ron's willy caused the sausage in his throat to dislodge and fly across the great Hall, only to land with a splash in Malfoy's goblet of pumpkin juice.

"What's this?" he demanded, "No one is allowed to partake in homosexual acts without my involvement!" Malfoy's outburst and the trio's struggle at the Gryffindor table had now caused quite a stir in the Great Hall and had gained the attention of a thousand pairs of eyes, including the piercing blue pair of the headmaster's.

"I remember doin' stuff like this while I was a lad at Hogwarts..." Hagrid sighed from his table, almost sounding like he missed something.

"Potter!" Malfoy screamed across the Hall, "What is this cooked weenie doing in my goblet? And nice ass, loser!" Everyone at the Slytherin table erupted in sneers and laughter, but in Malfoy's mind he was admiring the 'loser's' backside.

"Taunt all you want, Malfoy, but you know full well who's weenie is bigger," Harry snapped back, still face down in Ron's crotch. Hermione's and Ginny's faced turned pink, as the Hall fell into a deadly silence, waiting for the blushing and sputtering Malfoy's response(or for the teachers to intervene).

"P..Potter!" he scowled, no one had ever seen Malfoy that flustered before, "You promised!"

Harry sneered and opened his moth, but before he could retort, Hermione shocked the masses by saying matter-of-factly, "Actually, Harry, Draco's penis is 2.56 inches larger than Ron's, and about 0.02 inches thicker than yours."

"Yea well...draco's sucking sucks!" he retorted, only to dig himself a deeper hole.

"I say, Potter's a fairy!" Earnie MacMillan chimed jovially from the Hufflepuff table and all respect for Harry Potter at Hogwarts dropped about 52% (except for his fangirls, who were now whispering excitedly about snapping a picture of Harry on one of his rendevous with Malfoy).

"I think," Dumbledore finally interjected, "That we are all forgetting something very important." All eyes rested on Dumbledore as he stood and spread his arms in wide welcoming-the anticipation was so intense that you could smell it. "We are all human, and as such, we all have human needs-like eating. Let us not forget that Ron Weasley so bravely gave his life to do what he loved-eating. So we should all learn from his example and do what we love, and accept each other for who we are, no matter the consequences! If Harry and Dravo are poofs then we should embrace them!" And with that, Dumbledore sat, all eyes blinking in rapid confusion(including Ron, who was very much alive, simply buried under Harry).

"And let's not forget," Flintwick spoke up, "That Dumblefore is as gay as a drag queen burlesque show." And on that note lunch ended, with all the students filled with a flurry of emotions, and Harry Potter ducking out into an abandoned corridor to avoid humiliation.

"Don't' worry, Harry," Ron tried to reassure him, "One time I went to visit Fred and George and...well...actually I don't want to tell this story anymore."

Harry frowned, but chose to ignore this, instead moaning miserable, "My cool status has been diminished Ron! If everyone thinks I'm a 'lolly licker' no one will look up to me anymore! They won't look at me in the halls or talk to me! Pretty soon I'll be just like you!" Harru looked horrified at this last idea and clutched as his hair desperately.

"Hey, now, it's not all bad-wait. What's that supposed to mean?"

"I have to fix this," he muttered, ignoring Ron, "The only way to get people to forget a scandal...is to create a bigger one!"

Harry marched off with a new air of determination about him, leaving a very sad and confused looking Ron alone in the hall; he looked down and groaned-he still had a hard-on too.

THE NEXT DAY..

Harry had come up with the perfect plan, what was better than a guy on guy scandal? A girl on girl one. He decided to start out slow; he would simply make off-handed comments about how such-and-such was hanging out a lot lately with blayhblahblah- and then it would escalate from there to fake rumors to flat out accusations! "MUAHAHAHA-ahck! Ugh! Chocking.." Harry muahahaed, "but who to accuse?"

"Need some help, Potter?" Draco came out of no where, arms crossed.

"No," Harry pouted as he continued to plan maliciously and Draco admired that sexy pout.

"What is I said I could solve your problem?" he insisted.

Harry looked up curiously, feeling slightly hopeful,. But when he followed Malfoy's hungry gaze to his crotch, his skin recoiled.

"You know what the best cure for stress is?" he moved closer to him.

Harry licked his lips nervously. "Listen Malfoy, I know what you're after. But I'm only a poof for Ron," Harry's voice squeaked slightly as Draco crawled nearer, "But..if I let you 'help' me, there's something you could actually help me with. You see, I have this plan."

"No help until you pay up," Draco insisted. Inside Harry was fuming as deep hatred for Draco Malfoy welled up inside of him, while he parted the latter's black robes and started to undo his trousers with trembling hands.

Little did 5they know, a few stray girls were looking at tyhem from behind a wall. One of them pulled out a camera and snapped a couple shots as the famous Harry Potter sucked a sausage.

"What is with all this commotion?" Snape entered the hallway. The girls gasped and scattered while Draco and harry remained oblivious to the fast approaching Snape, with a gleam of lust in his eye.

"Hello," he said once he was behind them, having silently approached.

Draco jerked, surprised, causing poor harry to choke and tears glittered in his eyes. "P..Professor!" Draco gasped dramatically.

"So...shall I report this little...rendevous to the headmaster? Or are you willing to..._persuade _me to keep quiet?"

Harry was busy coughing so Draco answered, "W..What do you mean?"

Snape's lips curled into a smirk as he said, "Oh, I think you know what I mean, Draco. You and potter shall meet in my office in a half hour to present your _persuasion. _If it _pleases _me, I'll pretend this never happened." And with that, Snape turned on his heel with a swish of his robes.

"Cow patties! What do we do! Thanks a lot, Potter, if you'd been satisfying we could have been done!" Draco snapped at Harry. But Harry had hardly heard him; his mind was quickly working, his plan changing gears, and a sudden vision (of tipped of fan girls snapping pictures of Snape raping helpless students) captured him.

"Another scandal," he whispered.

"Of course it is! Everyone saw you licking my ice cream cone!" Draco had not caught on at all.

"No, no Malfoy, don't you see?" Harry said, frustrated, "If we can gather some fangirls outside Snape's office in time for our 'persuasive conference', it will be the end of his career!"

"Why would I want to go against a fellow Slytherin?"

Harry glanced up at Malfoy's annoying sneer, and, knowing it was for the best, suddenly pressed his knee against Malfoy's groin, whispering, "Because if you help me do this, I'll let you have your way with me." How could he refuse such an offer?

"Fine, I'll agree. But you better be good!" Half an hour later, Harry, Draco and a hoard of silently giggling fangirls were standing outside of Snape's office door.

"Alright, everyone, you know what to do," Harry whispered.

"Let's just get this over with," Draco muttered as he knocked on the door. It opened at his touch, though no one has touched the handle, and a room filled with leather and metal torture looking devices opened before them; at it's center a table draped in silk red cloth and a naked Snape, except for a thin leather strap holding in his junk. Even the fangirls were silent, perhaps in horror, or perhaps not, at the sight. Harry, swallowing down some bile riding in his throat, gestured for them to hide behind the open door as he took a brave step with Draco into their doom.

"Potter, Draco...are you ready to please me with persuasion?" Snape drawled.

"I..I suppose," Harry murmured, "Do what you will." Snape smiled cruelly and slid off his silk table cloth when suddenly the window behind him shattered and Voldemort burst into the room.

"Blasted...I forgot I had a previous engagement," Snape scowled.

Voldemort's magestic eyes swept the room before landing on the teenage boys, and they lit up. "Well, well Severys," he hissed quietly, "I see you're _over _prepared for tonight. Well done."

"Yes, well..erm...I wanted it to be a surprise for you. You did surprise me last week," Snape grumbled as Harry just stood there with his wand out.

"Ah, yes, you did enjoy that hot poker beind shoved up your a-"

"AVADA KEDAVRA!" Harry screamed and a flash of green light filled the room, followed by a long thud.

The great Voldemort fell to the ground. "No!" cried Snape, but not an angry cry, but a sad one. Was he..tearing up? Harry shook, the fangirls gasped and Draco fainted. No one had ever seen so much emotion from the bland Severus Snape. As he stood blubbering, the fangirls took their cue and snapped away, cameras flashing; and the next morning, the Hogwarts school newspaper titled a whole new scandal, though not the one Harry wanted:

_Harry Potter Viciously Murders Severus Snape's Lover._

**~THE END~**


End file.
